I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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