The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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