i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
