And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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