I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
