i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
