i'm signing you up for texting rehab
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think my nap took me to another dimension
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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