I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
