Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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