why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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