mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
