I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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