Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
