I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
This toilet bowl is my home.
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