Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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