i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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