What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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