I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I want a musical about memes.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
