My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We have so much sex to catch up on
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
