I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
