i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
