Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
