this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
