omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Someone signed my nipple.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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