1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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