i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
