Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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