I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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