you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
