you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
