i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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