I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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