upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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