I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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