I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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