so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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