i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
