You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
