why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
