i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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