In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
