I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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