First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You need a sexual gate keeper
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
its liver damage thursday
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
