fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize