If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
