So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
