does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
