One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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