she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
