how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
