and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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