cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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