i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm experimenting with sincerity
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
