i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize