he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
