I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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