my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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