We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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